We humans have a terrible habit of comparing our suffering.

They have it worse than you — so your pain doesn’t matter. You have it worse than them — so how dare they complain?

There is absolutely nothing to be gained from this; it’s a habit that only leads to more pain, that only creates a vicious cycle of more suffering.

We do this because we yearn for our own pain to be acknowledged and validated. To know that someone sees how hard we’ve tried, how much we’ve lost, how broken our hearts are. And in our deepest yearning to be seen, we isolate ourselves from the very people who could give us what we want most. It’s a tragedy.

We all need to learn both how to acknowledge our own pain and how to acknowledge others’ pain. That’s what will help everyone to heal and move forward. You can start right now. For yourself: pause and put your hand on your heart. Ask, “Where am I in pain, and what love do I need?” For others: pause and think about someone in your life. Ask, “How might they be in pain, and how could I support them?”